Hope I Die Before I Get Old

Grandmother dearest came over today, for Christmas, you know. I don't see her often, because she lives in a nursing home. She's got really bad Alzheimers. Hearing her say the same things over and over again can be funny at times, but today it really made me think.
See, we have a lot of stuff from her old house in ours. She kept asking, "does this look familiar to me?" about all of said stuff. That must suck. Like having permanent deja vu. I know it would drive me crazy. It's strange how when we get old we revert back to being children. My mother had to coax her to take her pills, like she did with me and my vitamins when I was a kid. She literally bribed my grandmother with a cookie.
I don't think it would be fun to have permanent deja vu. I would get tired of never seeing anything new. Not that she would be able to remember anything new.

I think, therefore...

I've noticed that with this generation especially there are far fewer authentically awesome people than there used to be. Everybody nowadays is trying to be cool, or hip, or wanted. I know that everyone at some point is guilty of it, that would explain why I was a cheerleader in elementary school (I was horrible at it). But some people just don't grow out of it. And the sick part of it is that some people are so good at pretending that they convince themselves that they are what they pretend.

People say things for the benefit of others, and you never know where you stand with them. Like, are they your friend or are they pretending to be your friend? But you can't figure it out until they stop talking to you. It's a waste of a life if you ask me.

Things to do Before I die Pt. 1

Seeing the ads for the new MTV show has inspired me to make my own list. So here it goes-in no particular order.

-Go to Burning Man
-Visit the Temple of the Sun and the Temple of the Moon
-Make out with a stranger (sober)
-Live in a different country
-Go to a legit rave
-See one of my fave band's reunion tours (VU, you reading?)
-Have a friend in every state in America
-Spend $1000 on one thing (not a house, appliance, etc.)
-Keep a plant alive
-Go to as many music festivals as possible (including Coachella, SXSW, Austin City Limits, etc.)
-Road trip through every state in America and all the best parts of Canada- See Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, Rocky Mtns, Las Vegas, etc.
-Have a love affair during a summer in Europe
-Take one of those acrobatics classes
-Learn how to swing dance well enough to do so in public
-Go to Castle Dracula
-Fill all 80 gigs on my ipod
-Own at least one Chanel purse
-Win more than $100 in the lottery


That's all I got for now, I'll post the next installment when I have it.

No Personality.

I've recently realized that I know a lot of people with no personality. And all these people think they are too cool for school. They also think they're too cool for me. It upsets me about one of them because I was friends with her when everybody thought she was annoying and not worth knowing. Great. And everybody wants to be friends with these no-personality people. Maybe it's because they're not threatening, and they laugh at every joke even if they don't like it or don't get it.

I just don't like the looks they give me.

These Darn Youngins!

My god do I hate people who try to hard to "be" something. Unfortunately, it seems to be a problem that's plaguing a whole generation. My generation (insert Who reference here). People nowadays want to be cool, I guess. It's sickening. It's easy to find these people attractive at first glance, but do not get to know them. Everybody who tries to get to know these people is sorely let down. They seem cool don't they? Well they only like that movie because Jack White told them to. And they only listen to that band because Lou Reed likes them.

Now, I love Lou Reed and Jack White, but you gotta admit that they got some crazy taste. I certainly think that the White Stripes are better than the Raconteurs. In my opinion, they aren't equally good. Yes, the Raconteurs have had brief shining moments, but not nearly as many as the White Stripes have had. And Lou is fabulous in every way, I can't say anything bad about him. But you gotta have your own opinions. For instance, Pineapple Express did not introduce me to MIA. There you go. I personally think that $20 is a better song than Paper Planes, but whatever.

I have been let down by these "hipsters" before. But the really cool people and the fakers all look the same nowadays. I say give them a shot, and ask a lot of questions. If you aren't having good conversation, and their hogging all the attention, and what they're saying sounds completely vapid and out of nowhere, chances are they're wannabes.

That's right. Wannabes. Hahaha!

YYY

I went to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs live in concert this past week. Nick Zinner is my new "celebrity crush". I move pretty quickly in those waters. When I met James Franco he was my official celebrity crush. Back when the Lord of the Rings movies first started coming out Orlando Bloom was my main man. It cycles around based on whatever I'm exposed to at the time. You know how it is.

The show was so incredibly amazing words can hardly describe. It is right up there on my best concerts ever list along with The Horrors. They shot confetti Y's (which of course ended up down my shirt, like everything else....haha) and I grabbed a bunch. Fuck yes for free concert swag. Then Nick brought out his trusty camera and got a bunch of pictures of the crowd, I know I'm in at least one of those pictures. I'm happy about that. Even if it ends up only on his hard drive, I'm happy. I have never felt so gross after a show before. It was so hot, I was so covered in sweat (and not just mine, as all you concertgoers know).

My favorite memory was actually with the guy standing next to me on the floor. The band had just finished a song, and through all the applause I told him "You're really hot". He misunderstood, and replied "Yeah, aren't they so great?!". HA. I'm actually kind of glad he didn't understand me, It might have been embarrassing. I am, however, glad that I said it. It's the most upfront I've ever been with anyone ever.

...

I still don't know what Lou Reed means when he sings "Downy sins of streetlight fancies."

Humans

Have you ever had one of those....let's go with years....that just makes you wish you could suck the bad out of everything? In the past year I have made many friends. I have also lost many of those friends. I wonder why I was ever friends with them in the first place. They're not particularly good people. At all. What drew me to them? They're the kind of people who want to be cool. They put effort into making cool look effortless. I have no idea why I thought I could fit in with these people. I know that at some point they liked me. There are moments I can think back on and I know that they liked me. Those times when they looked me in the eyes and said nice or encouraging things to me, or even just saying goodbye. What did I do to make them forget all of that and just hate me? No questions asked? Maybe it's just in their personality to forget all the good, but I find that hard to believe. It's not like I even did anything bad. In one case all I did was express an opinion, and in the other I was accused of something I didn't do. It was the other party's escalation of things that made things bad. I just don't understand humans. Sometimes I think that humans aren't even worth it. That there is no way people can be good. The things we do to each other are horrible. Even what friends do to friends. I know a person whose feelings of ownership over someone have completely clouded their judgement. No one owns anyone.

I have a hard time believing that people don't know this.

Oasis.

I've had a very Oasis kind of day. Driving on country roads with the sun shining down and the clouds nice and fluffy. It made me wish that my camera had batteries. It was so calming. A feeling that I've missed since winter clouds have taken over. As much as I love overcast days, they're boring. There's no variation. No beauty as "far as the eye can see". I also realized that rural Ohio is very religious. I can't tell you how many Lent crosses we passed by.

I feel kind of bad for my grandmother. At the same time, though, I envy her. She can say whatever she wants as no one can say anything. If I said some of the things he said I would be scolded. But it is a very sad and lonely existance. To live in a nursing home with nothing to do but habitually read the Plain Dealer (which is kind of a punishment because the Plain Dealer sucks). But they get to listen to Etta James, so I suppose it's not all that bad.

?

I've been appreciating the little things recently. I've also been more fascinated by the little things, so it's easier to appreciate them. Like when the sun comes out in February. I like that. Maybe it's just the hippie in me, but it's not normal. I usually relish winter with everything I have. Now I'm beginning to like spring more. Fall will always be my favorite season, but I think spring/early summer is taking a close second. Don't get me wrong, I love summer, but it's just too hot. I don't deal with hot very well. But I enjoy the sun and the freedom. And being able to go barefoot. Shoes are for republicans.

So, the other day I was at a concert, and I couldn't help but notice this woman sitting across from me. The concert was in a tavern, so there were tables and a bar that serves food and everything. Anyways, she was so intense. She was incredibly meticulous with her sandwich, and was very focused. It was like everything had to be perfect for her to eat it, and there was nothing else in the world except her and that sandwich. She didn't even notice me looking at her for about 20 minutes. It was just so interesting. I like people watching.

What is running through my head.

I miss waaay too much school. Today is the seventeenth day I've missed. I feel horrible about myself. Mostly because I know that it's not good for colleges and whatnot. And I really want to go to this private art school. I'll have to be good for the rest of the year. That's the only logical way to fix it. Just don't stay home from school anymore.

I don't understand people. Why do people do the things they do? I know it's motivated by selfishness, but I really wish that people could be more giving. Including myself. I try as hard as I can. The only thins is that I always get shot down or humiliated by someone else's selfishness. Or someone's not caring. That's worse than selfishness, if you don't care. Everybody should care.

Shoes are for republicans. Honestly, especially when it's warm out, they're completely superfluous. I hate shoes. This summer is gonna all be barefoot. Unless I have to go to a store. Generally they like it if you are wearing shoes. But hey, that's what sandals are for.

I have to wait another week to get my sternum pierced. My dad is all " I dont' wanna have to fight rush hour traffic. Let's go next week" And seeing as he has to take me I can't really argue. Sucks.

I love the concept of freedom even more than I love the concept of artillery. I think that'll be my concentration next year. Freedom is so all-encompassing. I can do so much with it. I just want it to be summer already. That's the epitome of freedom. I get to sleep in and not feel guilty.

I quit my job. I'm happy but sad at the same time. The job just wasn't for me. I like to be able to wear what I want and keep my piercings in and dye my hair funky colors. At Bob Evans you just can't express yourself. I am going to miss the people, though. Well, most of them. They were really funny and really caring. Plus, it was the only place where I felt like an adult. I wan't a kid there. I was a working adult. And no one told me what to do or what not to do. It was great.

I like this font. I like this boy. I like this music. I like this warmth. I like these friends. I like where I am right now.

Why can't it be 55-60 degrees every day? Forever. That's the perfect temperature range. Sunny or overcast is fine. I don't care. And now "Here Comes the Sun" is playing on my stereo. How perfect. It's alright...

There is nothing I like more than confusing people and being able to make them like me. But it doesnt't happen verry often.

That was fun.

Oh secrets, how fun are you. Yet how much of a burden you are. I should probably go read my book. But I'm just not in the mood. I should also read for Art History. And do Spanish homework. I could always borrow someone's workbook tomorrow for that. I'm not good at Spanish. When I don't know what to do I don't even try. Which is not good when it comes to learning another language. I'll have to try harder at that, too.

What a week.

This has been the strangest week I've had in a long while. It's been one of those weeks where one second I'm feeling really great and happy and everything, but I can switch to being really pissed off or frustrated at the drop of a hat. I've also just been feeling straight up weird this week. Maybe it's from the William Burroughs overload. Have you ever tried to read "Naked Lunch"? And understand it? And then write a paper on it? Yeah. It's pretty fucking hard. When I read it I start to get this odd physical sensation. Like there's something in my throat and I can't get rid of it and I don't know what it is. I also tend to get a little light-headed. Maybe all the drug talk is causing me to get a contact-high.
I rediscovered my love for William Blake today. In english we were reading our stupid book and they mentioned William Blake (it's the honors class, you really think the textbook for the regular kids would have anything about Blake in it?) and they had "The Tiger" and "The Sick Rose" in it. Because I mentioned my love for him we read both. It's funny, he's the only poet I enjoy. Other than his work I hate poetry. A lot. But there's just something about William Blake.
This lady came into work and put off this whole story about how she called in a carryout, and she came all the way from Euclid, and she just wants her food blah blah blah. Since I was working carryout, I of course had to be involved. I told her that no one remembered taking her order, and she whipped out her phone to prove that she called. She was all "See? I called for 11 minutes!" Well, she did call. But her call log said that she was only on the line for 11 seconds. Well, the manager took care of it and she got her meal for free. Then I told the manager about the 11 seconds thing. *Look of realization on his part* Yup, I knew it. She just wanted some free food! I remember the phone ringing, the hostess answering, and then telling me that the person hung up on her. I bet that the call lasted 11 seconds. Pwned. Next time she comes in I hope somebody calls her out.
I hate anti-social people. This guy I've been in love with since Area Thespian Conference last year is the epitome of anti-social. I see him at practically every theatre related thing I go to, and I know people who know him, and this past weekend I saw him at this year's conference, but I still haven't met him! I was totally going to go up to him after his show and tell him how amazing he was (he's a fucking amazing actor) and we could chat and stuff. But then it was closing ceremony. And then he dissappeared. So upset. I mean, we're friends on facebook, and I know he recognizes me from around because every time I see him he looks at me and I can just tell that he recognizes me. I just know, you know? I really want to meet him!! He's really attractive, and talented and all that. And he's a hippie-punk. In the good way where they dress more punk but have a lot of hippie ideals as well. That's fucking perfect. Nothing better than that specific kind of hippie punk. Not at all.

:)

Fuck My Life

Today has been one of the worst days ever. It started out pretty well, with just a few doubts and upsetting thoughts. Then I got to study hall. My friend was talking to his brother, who I'm in a tiff with because he thinks I talk shit about his girlfriend. I also really like this boy. Me and the boy in study hall were being bitches to each other like we usually do, and apparently he texted his brother saying something along the lines of "Kat is such a bitch". Only he probably spelled everything wrong because they're both fucking stupid. He showed me his brother's reply "ino spit in her hair for me". WTF??? This after I wrote him a not apologizing and asking if we could be cool again. Well I started crying, and of course being surrounded by a bunch of boys, had no sincere attempt at helping. I mean, 2 of them were trying to make me laugh so I suppose that's as sincere as it gets. The one who showed me the text message was just like "oh wow, I didn't think it would upset you that much". Well, obviously it did.

Then I have a class with the brother who would like for someone to spit in my hair. Now, I'm sure that the little wretch in my study hall would have told his brother at least a little bit of what happened. But the brother didn't do jack shit. He didn't try to talk to me, he didn't even look at me. I've come to the conclusion that he's one of the most immature, self-reightous people I have ever met. He thinks he's the shit. Guess what? Your boots were only cool in the 90s and you look like hell with that haircut. Also, your girlfriend is a slutty bitch. So there you go.

Oi...

What a day it has been! Oi is the only appropriate word to describe it. So, I woke up to a snow day, go figure. It's January in Cleveland, it's pretty much a give-in. But the snow just kept falling. My father got stuck in the driveway and had to dig himself out to get into the garage. Thanks to the city for not plowing the fucking roads! It sucks because I really want some Caribou coffee, but there's absolutely no way anyone is going out in this shit. Especially because my car fishtails like a beast.

On a different note, happy birthday to Jackson Pollack! I really don't understand why people hate him so much. I would love to walk on my paintings and spill coffee and vodka and cigarette ashes on them. How sweet. I always defend him. People don't make sense. Not liking Jackson Pollack is like not liking life. How sad.

I got this new thing where I say "straight up" a lot. More than it should be used. I don't know why, I just started saying it and it stuck. It's such an old phrase and I feel it's getting annoying. Oh well.

I had to start using myspace again. I know, right? It's so old. But certain people who refuse to use facebook just gotta keep up their myspaces. Meaning the only way to inter-communicate with them is through the horrificnessnicity that is Myspace. But hey, it's better than the new hip internet connection that is Twitter. WTF? I don't know about you, but I think that sounds mighty dirty. It's ridiculous on top of it. I don't understand it at all. I made an account, but promptly deleted it. Let's end this trend before it catches on.

Who likes the Ting Tings? Me! Damn this past weekend. My friend played "Great DJ" for me and it was all over. What a fabulous album.

My love for Frank Iero is rekindled in the new Leathermouth album. I got it on Monday (thank you online shopping). It's a beautiful piece of post-hardcore whatnot. Lovies, listen to it. I usually don't go for any hardcore except Black Flag. Changed that pretty quickly.

Shit son. Funky day.

I'm gonna post my favorite CD's/Albums!!!

I can't post this anywhere else and not be mocked or teased. So I'm gonna put it here! Aren't you all so lucky....

1.Nirvana-Nevermind: I know it's cheesy, but this is the album that really got me into music in general. They're my favorite band of all time, because it's music that will stand the test of time. Every song on this album is amazing (as are all of their songs in general). I can never turn it off mid-album, and every time a song from this album comes up on my Itunes shuffle, I have to listen to it.

2.The Velvet Underground and Nico-(obviously)The Velvet Underground and Nico: What a classic fucking album. Truly a triumph of the age, and of forever. The lyrics and the music mingle together so beautifully. Songs like "Heroin" will make you cry. Granted, I started listening to VU because I wanted to have more in common with a certain guy...but it was one of the most lasting and best guy-based decisions ever.

3.Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Fever to Tell: This is the album that gets me pumped! If I'm gonna go to a show or be in a play, chances are I'm at least listening to the first half of this album. It's so full of energy, and Karen O is the fucking shit. Also, when I'm feeling more chill, there's always "Maps" or "Modern Romance" or even "Y Control". Funny thing is, when I first got this album, I didn't listen to it. For at least 2 years. And then I went back and listened to it and was blown away. And I have their whole released catalog. After listening to Isis I'm uber excited for a new album. Soon? Please?

4.Placebo-Meds: The album of all my insecurities and faults. Brian Molko is so amazingly in tune with his emotions, and it shows. Everything he says is so true. "Drag" is my fucking theme song. He sings what I feel, and I couldn't be happier about it.

5.My Chemical Romance-Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge: Don't hate. They're a really great band. When they first got big, I acted like a couldn't stand them. But I've actually always really loved this band. Their music is so diverse and they grow from album to album. Now they're on like, hiatus or something, and it's pissing me off. Come on boys! Get that shit together! But at least we have Leathermouth to tide us over.

6.The Beatles-Anything they've ever done. Ever: I grew up on the Beatles, but hey, who didn't? Rubber Soul was always my favorite. I love all the albums. Recently I've been uber digging Revolver. There's just something about the sitar and the real hippie earthy vibe that gets me. When I listened to LOVE I was shocked because it was really good! Who knew that a revised Cirque De Soleil version of classic Beatles could be so awesome? I didn't.

7.Nirvana-Unplugged, Live in New York: This is the perfect Unplugged set. It's the Unplugged set to which all others are compared. The funeral set up perfectly defined the night, and it served sort of as Kurt's requium(sp?). The music lent itself beautifully to the unplugged, slowed down atmosphere, which no one could have predicted given what Nirvana were known for. And the special guest appearance by the Meat Puppets was perfect. Plus, it made a whole lot more people know who the Meat Puppets were.

8.Lou Reed-Transformer: I'm vicious. I'm gonna walk on the wild side. I'm gonna have a New York telephone conversation. I'm gonna be so free. This album made me want to be everything that Lou was talking about! It cemented in my mind my college choice and the decision to go to New York (yes, I've been before. yes, I loved it). Lou Reed is even better than Brian Molko when it comes to saying what everybody feels and wants and needs and has or doesn't have. He's truly timeless, despite the fact that he's a total asshole. Even though all his albums are different, they're all good in their own way. Oh, and he totally pwns the shit out of Bob Dylan any day. Quote me on that.

9.Black Angels-Passover: Hey! It's a quite new band! Who would have guessed? Anyways, their classic 60's style and vibe totally makes them a band to watch out for. It can chill you out and pick you up and make you remember that horrible war. (One of the songs is called "Young Men Dead" and the next song is even more specifically about the Vietnam war). Fantastic job. Fantastic album.

10.David Bowie-The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars: Hellz yesh. I love Ziggy. This album is an uber classic. It is straight up one of the best Bowie albums. It's a rock opera. It's a stage show. It's everything. Bowie is one of the singularly most fabulous men ever to walk the planet. Don't believe me? Listen to this album, then watch Labyrinth. Do it.

11.dada-Puzzle: Oh my gosh, why don't people know about this band? Now, my father was the person who got me into music, and this is one of the bands that I have to tribute to him. If he hadn't went through his dada phase (yes, uncapitalized), then I wouldn't have ever know about their existence. The album is so all over the place, but in a good way. Top song is definitely "Dim", with "Dizz Knee Land" following close behind. Buy it.

12.Modern Lovers-S/T: My friend burned it for me. Thank the lord that he did! Jonathan Richman's voice is so relaxed, he doesn't even sing, he sort of talks his lyrics over a straight up post punk instrumental. This band is so good, even MIA sampled their lyrics. The thing is, most people know the song "Roadrunner", they just don't know who it's by. Guess what? It's by the Modern Lovers. Good luck finding it. Seriously. Good luck.

13.MIA-Kala: She's kind of the new Madonna. Only much, much better. Her samples and dance music are one-of-a-kind. Everyone now officially loves "Paper Planes", and with good reason. She's fierce! Her style cannot be copied, mostly because if anyone else dressed like her they'd be committed. This album will make you dance, even if you hate dancing. I know I do.

14.Smashing Pumpkins-Gish: Oh greatness, thy name is Billy Corgan! Even though you're a psycho control freak, you make damn good music. The whole Smashing Pumpkins catalog is great, well, until you get to Zeitgeist. That's a pretty average album punctuated by a few brief glimmers of awesome. ("Starz"!)

15.Neutral Milk Hotel-In the Aeroplane over the Sea: This album is one of the most amazing album of the past decade. If you don't know this band, buy this album now! Not only will you be completely blown away by the music, but your street cred will rise exponentially. Every song is amazing, including the instrumental tracks. The music might be a little weird and hard to get if you have a more mainstream pallette, but give it a try. Trust me.

Well, I'm done. And it only took me forever. I have so much music that picking 15 favorite albums is truly a daunting task. Now, I like the whole catalog by all of the artists on here. So if I said I liked "Fever to Tell", I mean that I also like "Show Your Bones" and "Isis". The only reason they aren't listed is because that would make this a really fucking long list.